President Donald Trump is often accused of living in his own personal fantasy world where white supremacists are “very fine people” and New Jersey muslims celebrated the 9/11 attack. So it is perhaps fitting that his New Year’s Eve celebration at Mar-a-Largo has, according to The Washington Post, a “modern fantasy garden” theme.
And while we’re excited to see what mythical bullshit takes root in such a gathering of sycophants and enablers, we also can’t help but note that Team Trump passed up a wonderful opportunity to explore other themes perhaps more germane to the 45th presidency of these great United States.
And so, because imagining a better world is something we all to some extent do on New Year’s Eve, let’s take a moment to explore themes that could — and perhaps should — have been.
1. Golf Pros and MAGA Bros
Nothing screams “Trump” louder than his undulating army of MAGA-hat wearing bros. Mix that passion for the retrograde in with a dash of The Donald’s golf habit and you have yourself the perfect party theme for a country in decline.
2. Indictment Under the Sea
A Robert Mueller impersonator in fish nets. George Papadopoulos pouring White Russians and dishing gossip. Cocktail menus styled as hacked emails. Paul Manafort dressed as a merman, trying to get through the door only to be told that Trump doesn’t even know who he is. This is the party theme America needs.
3. Build the Waltz
When you can’t build your wall on the United States-Mexico border, why not build it in your heart instead? The surest way to do that is through the power of dance, which, lest we forget, needs no funding approved by Congress to bend the world in Trump’s image — one jackbooted heel step at a time.
4. You’re the Puppet
In honor of Trump’s notorious quick wit, the president should have invited all his paying guests to eschew formal wear this year and instead sport puppet costumes. He could have then spent the evening yelling “you’re the puppet” while chugging diet coke and definitely getting an extra scoop of ice scream.
5. Auld Lang Signs of Fake News
Because if it doesn’t make him look good, any story covering Trump or his administration must by definition be “fake,” this was the perfect opportunity to celebrate a reality of his own making. Come for the “There’s No Collusion” hors d’oeuvres, but stay for the “Largest Inauguration Crowd Ever” cake. You’ll be sure to have the time of your life — and if you say you didn’t, well, then you’re probably Fake News anyway.